This is our last dance. This is ourselves.

Friday, 31 December 2010

Into Dust.

A photo not only of what I wore last night, but what I wore to bed. Because I'm dirty like that. Oh, you also get a good view of a messy table. Yummy. This has been one of my most worn knits this year, names "Big Blue". Over the knee socks are my favourite things.

Last night we had friends over to the flat for a pre-NYE party. It was one of those perfect mixtures of the right people, the right music, the right amount of alcohol (veering on the precipice of excess...) Just a lovely combination of very old friends and special new ones, perfect.

I think the last day of the year always provokes a certain amount of thought. My first thoughts about 2010 were quite negatives ones. I worked my ass off for the end of third year, I graduated, our best friend went back to Ireland and plenty of other friends left Liverpool, summer disappeared in a flurry of full-time work...

But the more I thought about it, 2010 for me has been an amazing year, especially from September onwards. I live in a flat with my boyfriend. A beautiful, perfect little flat, I am beyond lucky to have them both. I have managed to do more stuff at university than I ever thought possible. LUDS has given me opportunity after opportunity, on and off stage, I have become more involved in the LGoS side of life, PhilSoc is my baby, I have become closer and closer to my university friends and closer to the friends who have returned to Liverpool... I have just been utterly blessed in so many ways.

2011 holds the promise of hard work and big changes. Yet again, there is work, work and more work and this year, I will try to get the balance right (see tomorrow's pitiful attempt at a Resolution post....) between MA work, uni work and play... I will graduate... again...
I love the idea of a fresh slate. This year I hope I can appreciate everything I have.


Tuesday, 28 December 2010

A Heart Full Of Love



I went home for Christmas on Christmas Eve. This was the view walking down my road. I loved the snow and I love the way snow seems to change the light. Blue and orange appear unexpectedly and I slipped all the way down the road.





This little toy kept us all amused for literally, HOURS.

Spending time at home is always lovely, lots of food, lots of warmth but I fell back into the feeling of last Christmas quite easily.

However, I think the highlight of my time at home was seeing the 25th Anniversary concert of Les Miserables. The music, the singing, the costumes, the lights, aaaaaah! AND this man...
Erm, possibly the best thing to ever happen to the world of musicals ever?!

I hope you all had a peaceful and happy Christmas. I have now returned to the "town house" to begin the long, hard slog that ends with the beginning of February.

Sunday, 19 December 2010

Youth is wasted on the wrong people.

Today was my Mum's birthday. We ventured to a beautiful snowy -14C home to see her, carrying a variety of presents. My very favourite present (possibly of all time) were two CDs, carefully compiled with all our favourite songs that reminded us of her. Some were funny, some were just memorable, and some, including Baby Mine from Dumbo had me, my Mum and my sister in absolute floods of tears. We wanted to watch Annie, she wanted to watch It's A Wonderful Life. She won. A beautiful, long and poignant Christmas film that, for the second time that day, had me crying like a baby. A story of a trapped, devoted man who gave his life for others regardless of his dreams, eventually rewarded by the very people he had strived to save.

"Remember, George: no man is a failure who has friends."


Saturday, 18 December 2010

Let It Snow.

Sometimes, people are very very thoughtful. I forgot to take a photo of the flowers that accompanied this little note but they were beautiful, as was the thought behind it. PhilSoc has been my little baby this semester. It started as a bit of a nightmare and now I think that we are, as a little academic society, strong and becoming successful. They call me Mummy.



Last night, it snowed. It was a very special night and it's hard to say why. I think it was just the perfect combination of people, food and weather. End of term toasts and snowball fights, it was the epitome of what university should be and I felt very content. The Christmassy feeling is here!
(And long may it continue before I remind myself that I have 12,000 words to write in a month and vomit over myself in a puddle of fear...)

Thursday, 16 December 2010

Sex leads to death.











Medea was wonderful. There will be a many more photos to come. The most lovely and fun cast. I am very proud of our show and feel very privileged to have been given the opportunity to be a part of it. Post-show blues has well and truly arrived, rehearsals are over so real life has to come back again. We have had the best three nights, on stage and out and about, I have had such a lovely time, oh gush gush gush. These photos are a very brief selection. I like to close my eyes and pout a lot.

Thanks "my lovers". I love you x

Saturday, 11 December 2010

Woman Under The Influence.



"I'm a great believer in spontaneity, because I think planning is the most destructive thing in the world. Because it kills the human spirit. So does too much discipline, because then you can't get caught up in the moment, and if you can't get caught up in the moment, life has no magic. Without the magic, we might as well all give up and admit we're going to be dead in a few years. We need magic in our lives to take us away from those realities.

The hope is that people stay crazy.

When he stops he'll have to be a human being and to be an artist really is to be a freak, in the greatest sense of the world. You're not really interested in living but you're interested in a substitute life, which is what it means to be an artist."

Cassavetes on Cassavetes.




It's getting to that lovely, crazy intense time in a play's rehearsal period when you become very fond of everyone and very aware that it's all very close to ending...

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Glass Slipper.


Disney has ruined my life in a number of ways. From inaccurate portrayals of relationships and romance to happy ever afters... But nowhere in Disney did it discuss the horrific preparations needed for a ball. A Yule Ball to be precise.

Nowhere in Cinderella did the Fairy Godmother warn Cinderella that she may have to order her dress online and that it might never arrive.

Nowhere was she forced to spend the afternoon trying on the biggest possible knickers in M&S changing rooms with all her darling dimples and cellulite delicately highlighted by no less than 4 mirrors and harsh lighting and THEN she was never forced into spending £29.50 for ONE PAIR OF KNICKERS.

I don't like Cinderella. I like Bridget much more. And I must never go shopping again expecting a tiny piece of stretchy fabric to turn me into Kate Moss.
Pass me the posh canap├ęs and shots...

Saturday, 4 December 2010

Last night, Mathew and I went on a date. We have been together for three years and four months. Understandably, at times, we hate each other and manage to make each other particularly miserable. However, there are times when we remember what effort is and we eat together which, with our conflicting schedules, doesn't happen often enough.

Last night, we went to the place of our dreams as a graduation treat for me (I appreciate it's December...), Puschka on Rodney Street. Absolutely covered in snow. We ate and ate and ate the most beautiful food. Local produce and the perfect combination of flavours. It was the little touches, our names on the table mats, poppy seeds on the pastry, the tiniest sprig of mint on the chocolate mousse.... YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY.

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Runaway

I cannot stop listening to The National. They were mentioned to me by my lovely friend, Lauren and they popped up on lastfm.com. It has developed in to a slightly mild obsession but his voice is just divine and warm.

Go and listen. I will probably be doing so on repeat. All day long...

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

I love being part of a play. I love my lovely, funny cast. Secretly, I love the stress.

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

filthy but fine.

" 'Tis evident that the mere view and contemplation of any greatness, whether successive or extended, enlarges the soul and gives it a sensible delight and pleasure. A wide plain, the ocean, eternity, a succession of several ages; all these are entertaining objetcs, and excel everything however beautiful which accompanies not its beauty with a suitable greatness."
Hume.

Monday, 29 November 2010

Chick.


I am in no way a make-up snob. I think you get to a point where a name or a label means nothing if it doesn't work for you. I've used MAC foundation that has clogged my skin with shininess in a way that Maybelline mousse foundation has never done. I have been given a very beautiful Chanel eye liner which works wonderfully but if it gets in my eyes, makes them burn and cry in a way that No7 products never do...

And now to George. Cheap, cheap, cheap but in my experience, absolutely brilliant. Their pink blusher is light and delicately coloured and their eye liner is deep black and very long lasting. So I decided to give myself a tiny little treat. The nail varnishes are currently unused but both are colours that my collection has been craving for a long time, a black and a candy pink.
The eye shadow, black with a slight sparkle, gives the perfect smoky eye and lasts brilliantly.
Black black black, the ultimate winter companion.

However...
I also treated myself to these deep grey, woolly tights, embracing a school girl level of hosiery. I have worn them twice and have already managed a lovely snag in the thigh and a hole in the calf.
I suppose for £3, I should stop expecting so much.
I EXPECT SO MUCH!

Monday Munchies.

I worked Sundays for a very long time. Not working Sundays has brought an amazing level of joy. It has opened up space for things that I love.
One thing that I love very much in particular... baking. Not the sexiest of hobbies perhaps but I love spending time with my Mummy and learning from her. Her knowledge of baking seems endless to me, not just on an instructional level but in giving those tiny tips that make all the difference.

This week, banana bread following Slutty Lawson's recipe. It was SO easy and SO delicious, even in the photo does not necessarily do it justice...

p.s. note the crackling and festive dishcloth!

Absolutely more to come!

Sunday, 28 November 2010

No ifs, no buts...

OH and I went on my very first protest. I had been really disappointed when I couldn't go to London so to have the opportunity to represent myself in Liverpool was really special.
I think that this sign sums up humorous element of the protest...
As always, the minority seemed intent on ruining it and it was the negative consequences of their ignorant actions was painfully felt by all. Ruining the LGoS was just NOT the right thing to do...
However, our message was strong. I just so hope that someone is listening.



Last night, I wore brought out the sequins and learnt how to stand "thinly" in honour of darling Pru's 21st birthday (Look Rio, I learnt how to link!)
It has been a very busy few weeks. Life has been a bit naughty, I haven't had much time to concentrate on my Masters. Meetings, jazz and sequins just keep on getting in my way...

Thursday, 25 November 2010




LOOK AT ME IN AN NHS ADVERT PROMOTING RESPONSIBLE DRINKING.
I am in no way a hyprocrite.... A terrible actor, perhaps...

p.s. click on it to get the original LARGE video. You get to see me do a very awkward head-in-hand moment...

Saturday, 20 November 2010



Rar's have lost their appeal. Liverpool is full of these people (occasionally, myself included..)

When I have the time and energy, a full DINNER review is coming your way! AAAAH!

Thursday, 18 November 2010

and oops, just managed to delete entire list of followers/history of everything ever written. If anyone knows how to get this back, it would be very lovely of you to tell me... x

time stopped working.


I have just finished this book. Written by Bauby, an editor-in-chief of French Elle, who suffered a stroke, leaving him with locked-in syndrome. He had control over his left eye which he blinked when an assistant passed their finger over the correct letter. Each word in the book took approximately two minutes to write. He died two days after its French publication.
It is one of the saddest books I have ever read. This man is completely alert and awake in mind, completely dead in body. Being able to have the insight into his mind is touching but it's almost too much. It's not an easy read but for me, it really makes you value what you have. It makes you question whether you are really using the opportunity of life in the best and most full ways. This could happen to any one, at any point. Would you be satisfied with the life you have led so far if you had no chance to further it?


Now, it is winter. And winter for me means my annual reading of Du Maurier's Rebecca. I first read the book when I was 15 and have read it once a year ever since. Reading the first few lines is like entering in to a secret world, being acquainted with old friends and manners of speech. Winter comforts are so appreciated by summer girls, of which I am definitely one.
i just do not have that kind of confidence any more.

Thursday, 11 November 2010



I'm never sure if I fancy him or her the most..
This is so very true.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Tuesday, 9 November 2010


Being hungover is booooooooooooooooooooooooooring.

Saturday, 6 November 2010

ps.




In the past, visiting my old MySpace page has been a source of amusement and joy. Looking back at the very beginnings of communication between me and Mathew, viewing vile photos... it's always something I've quite enjoyed as a form of procastination and entertainment.
Tonight, however, I think I delved too far in to the past. I ended up in the forgotten realm of lost friends and vile break ups. I had painted and held up an illusion of the way things were and I am left feeling utterly depressed at the naiviety of my depiction.
There is a reason MySpace was left behind. Just as it is forever important to move on and look forward, abandoning these things allows us to throw away the past, think of it as we please and leave it in a place so that we can't even think of comparing it to how things are now.

I'm not sure the girl in this photo would believe me if she knew how things are now.

Thursday, 4 November 2010

Today has been a great day. Christmas party for PhilSoc, EngSoc and PolSoc has been booked. I get to wear glasses (practically the best thing to have ever happened to me) and I was elected as Chair for Student Council. All these things make me very happy.


Something else that makes me happy is what Maggie May is doing this week. Maggie is talking part in "What Does Poverty Mean To You Week" with Oxfam. She is walking 4 miles before she can collect 4litres of water for the day, with this being the average distance that a woman in Africa has to walk every day. Maggie does not live to boost her CV, she is one of those people in the world who we can genuinely admire for their altruistic tendencies and her love for helping others. Having a fresh and immediate supply of water is something that I abuse and take for granted every single day. The idea of this project is not simply about donation, it's about awareness and encouraging us, as spectators of their challenge, to question our own definitions of poverty and what it personally means to us.

http://povertychallenge.21publish.com/MaggieHayes

Her blog is here. Please look at it and PLEASE remind her to drink the water she is entitled to! Girl's gonna make herself sick!!!

stolen.

We are all alone, born alone, die alone and in spite of true romance we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely at least, not all the time but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of other for your happiness.
-Hunter S. Thompson

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

PPPs.



Do it with your friends. Now.

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Thriller.

Halloween was never something we embraced in the Dalton household. But once you hit the student scene, it is pretty inescapable. LUDS had a Zombie Pub Golf. There is something very very exciting about being as creative as possible. It is such a pleasant change from the life of the library. You can just be as disgusting and dramatic as you please. For me, there is nothing better.
And shiiiiit, you get to take photos of yourself sitting on a toilet floor looking scary scary.


Sunday, 31 October 2010

Showcase.

OH OH OH. And I got to see this absolutely beautiful building! Slap bang somewhere in the middle of Liverpool's Sefton Park is Palm House. This amazing Victorian greenhouse is full to the brim with plants and housed us for a night with PhilSoc. It was just such a shocking find, I can't believe that something so randomly stunning is just sat there.
If you ever have an urge to get married, do it here.
If you ever have an urge to go to a Midnight Garden Party, well, come with us!

In my pants.

oh HI there! Just you wait until I'm bored, you won't be able to stop me posting.

Life is still busy, still fun and this particular week, quite drunk.

Wednesday was a Cast Ceili. Irish dancing and stew and wine and birthdays and I WON AN IRISH RAFFLE. I have pulled a muscle in my back which may leave me crippled for the rest of my life but it was so much fun. The atmosphere was wonderful and it was so refreshing to get out of the student monotony. If you ever have the chance, GO GO GO.

Thursday, birthday madness. I lost my tights and pretended I was Cheryl Cole.

I EVEN DID ALL OF MY READING YEEEEEEES.

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Higher and higher.

You are a king. Live alone. Take a free road
And follow where your free mind leads you,
Bring to perfection the fruits of well-loved thoughts
Ask no reward for noble deeds accomplished.
Rewards are within you. Your supreme judge is yourself.
None will ever judge your work more sternly.
Discriminating artist, does it please you?
- Pushkin.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Hush.

"Oh hi Bla Bla, how are you?

I'm fine...oh Ruth, are you alright?

Yeah I'm fine. Do my eyes look sore or something? Like I've been crying? I haven't, they're just a bit sore today.

No no they're fine... You just look a bit.... And no one wants to hear this... You just look a bit worn down.

Oh nope, that's just me with no make up on. Most people are shocked when they encounter it for the first time. Sorry...."


Fickle, fickle face.
Damn you pale skin and permanently tired sore eyes.
I love make up, I truly do but I don't want it on my face every day. But I also don't have an urge to look like shit every day either. WHY DOES MY FACE MAKE ME LOOK LIKE SHIT?

Naughty face.

Friday, 15 October 2010

Thursday, 14 October 2010

33.


Yesterday, the world stood by and watched something pretty amazing happen. In the world we live in, we are so used to awful things happening. Tragic, unfair, horrible things.
My friend and I had watched the events unfold during the day, we cried. We watched the news together before bed and watched the loved ones reunited, watched the men kiss their girlfriends like it was the first time and the last time, watch sons break down at the sheer joy of having their Daddy back above ground. And we cried and cried.
It was difficult for us to put our finger on why we reacted like that. I think diaster stories are all too common. But this had a true happy ending, there was nothing but an honest display of human triumph. It was a display of courage and hope and love and just how strong the human spirit is. One of the most amazing things I have ever seen.

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Quelle est le date de ton anniversaire?

Oh dearest Blog,
I missed your birthday! Yesterday (and I checked to make sure) you were one year old!


That to me is completely crazy. A year has absolutely flown by, a year seems such a huge unit of time at the moment that it hardly existed, you can't possible comprehend all the tiny events that happen in your life that make up a year. I was going to write more on this but the Rent song "Seasons of Love" has popped into my head, rendering anything else I saw cliched and grotesque... Thanks Rent...!

However, as my friend Maggie May keeps on reminding me, I absolutely did not think I would be here this time last year. Looking back, I was so certain that I was going travelling regardless of a lack of funds and lack of a plan.
I would never have dreamed that I would be typing this in the library after being at a PhilSoc meeting, worring about LUDS posters and lines to be learnt while doing my Logic homework. Those thoughts would never have crossed my empty little mind.

In a way, it's comforting. Some things do stay the same, I'm in the same relationship, I'm still studying Philosophy with a sneakier greater passion for drama, many of my friends are the same, I still have very little idea what I want to do with my life after this year.

But comparing where I am now to where I thought I was going to be is very different and quite scary. Life can just change and throw random thoughts at you which you make you change yourself and your direction.

So thank you to everyone who has ever bothered to read this over the past year. As I've said before, I am always so grateful, I am in love with you for it.
This time next year seems so far away...

Monday, 11 October 2010

Fear and Trembling.

"If there were no eternal consciousness in a man, if at the bottom of everything there were only a weird ferment, a power that twisting in dark passions produced everything great or inconsequential; if an unfathomable, insatiable emptiness lay hid beneath everything,

what would life be but despair?"


oh my life is busy. too busy to do anything but steal quotes from Kierkegaard.

Friday, 8 October 2010

Boogaloo.



Firstly, I apologise. I have posted only videos for the past three posts.
BUT for me, television gets no better than this.
I apologise for the poor quality, the poor sound, the lack of originality from me.
But this has filled an Office shaped void that was rudely left at the beginning of the summer and seeing Jim's face again.... well.... WOW.

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Every cloud...

The subject of Logic, even after 3 full years at university, reduces me to a pathetic, confused mess.

Which in turn allows me to mope to Nat King Cole with justification.

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Slut.


In direct competition with http://rioalexandra.blogspot.com/.

Fancy a Daisy vs. Kate dance off?

being.

"Human life occurs only once, and the reason we cannot determine which of our decisions are good and which bad is that in a given situation we can only make one decision; we are not granted a second, third or fourth life in which to compare various decisions...

Without such experiment, all considerations of this kind remain a game of hypothesis.

Einmal ist keinmal. What happens but once might as well not have happened at all.

History is as light as an individual human life, unbearably light, light as a feather, as dust swirling into the air, as whatever will no longer exist tomorrow."

"The Unbearable Lightness of Being" by Milan Kundera has been a really difficult book to plough through. A mess of love and philosophy, it sometimes has the most poignant moments of clarity that seem to ring so very true.

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

Dreams to remember.

I am super busy bee.
Start of my MA Philosophy course, meetings and Fresher's Fair and welcome meetings and drinks and absolute exhaustion.

But Liverpool is yet again full of the wonderful people who cruelly abandoned me over the summer. My home friends are split between home and university, my university friends are back at university, I am busy, I have been to the library, I have spoken out loud in a seminar, I have taken charge of my nerves and I am feeling good.

Auditions tonight. Let the nerves return and the madness commence...

Thursday, 16 September 2010

The One That You Want...


Oh, I just absolutely can't decide. Autumn is definitely here, it's not time for me to drag the big Topshop number out of the wardrobe but it's just not appropriate to be running around in cardigans anymore...

I have always wanted both these jackets. And I think the proof will be getting off my couch and going to H&M to actually go and try them on. But it's my day off and I refuse to move.

But then they might all be sold out....

OH the choices I have to make!!!

Friday, 10 September 2010

Asleep by The Smiths.

"I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there."

The reason I absolutely lied and didn't post yesterday is because of this book. Recommended to me years ago and given to me on my birthday, I have fallen absolutely in love with one of the most amazing books. I have a horrible feeling that everyone has already read it and fallen in love with it and talked about it a lot; I have a feeling that it is a "cool" book with lots of hype and an immediate cult following.

But it is just absolutely wonderful. A kind of modern day Adrian Mole. Through Charlie's letters, we witness the life of this boy, a teenager, and just how he copes with life. It's remarkably sad, not in a burst into tears kind of way, more in a way that puts you into a state of uncomfortable melancholy. You feel his every word and sometimes it's just too honest and you laugh out loud at how awkward it all is and it reminds you of how first kisses felt and the first time you got stoned and the first person you pathetically fell in love with. And how it feels when you fuck everything up.
And I think Charlie is so easy for any one who has grown up to identify with. Parts of him are too extreme but other parts just symbolise you.

And oops, I think I'm gushing a little much.
Word on the street (or perhaps I've made this bit up, I don't want to Google it for fear of being right or wrong) is that they are making it in to a film. I really don't want this to happen. I don't want Michael Cera to be my Charlie. They would try and make the film too happy and attractive and for me, this book was about the amazing times which are constantly permeated with sadness because of his ability to think them away.

The end is absolutely heart breaking. And I cannot recommend it to anyone enough. Because I've just re-read this back and AAAAH IT'S JUST REALLY GOOD and I absolutely haven't done it justice.
Please please please talk to me if you have read it, I need a seminar!!!!


Tuesday, 7 September 2010

You're out of your depth!

On Thursday, I am going to do a purely photo blog, documenting my recent life. And because I have written it here, it must be true. And it will be done...

Last Thursday, my very favourite Irish son came to visit. It was like family had returned, everyone came to visit and it was a lovely night, feeling very safe.

Friday was a drunken mess involving vodka, football, boobs, eye shadow, controversial chips in the middle of a night, reunions, dancing, clear tears and Blue Riband chocolate bars donated by bouncers with alternate motives.

Saturday left no time for recovery as we went to LCCC to see Muse. Now, I have to admit that I wasn't too fussed about going to see them. My hangover was slowly taking over my life and legs and eyes. Support acts were worth it on their own.
Pulled Apart By Horses were a bit average and I used the opportunity to collapse on the floor. Band Of Skulls were still brilliant, adapting well to a larger stage and audience.
Editors. Well, well, well. I was SO surprised. His voice was delicious, his trench was dreamy and the overall performance was full of sexy emotion.

And then, HELLO MUSE. It was an absolute treat. A real show with lights and explosions. And they were absolutely note perfect for the entire performance. The piano playing was just amazing. Amazing amazing amazing. Clap clap clap!!!

Sunday was a day for BBQ and beginning to feel the effects of a lack of sleep and the first hint of a yummy dirty illness. And the rest of the time has been spent CTFO with friends. NOT WORKING YEEEEEEES!!!

And now... well now I'm watching Ultimate Big Brother. I have become absolutely obsessed with the relationship between Chantelle and Preston. Watching them has become a ritual, it feels all too personal and I cannot stop watching...
AND THEN THIS IS ENGLAND 86!!! What an exciting life I lead...

Monday, 30 August 2010

Did I stutter?!

HI HELLO HIYA BAAAABE!!!

I last blogged about 20, 000 years ago. My laptop has chosen to slowly, very slowly die on me and with my birthday last week, Mathew was being super dooooper protective of his lappy and the secret things hidden on there...

BUT NOW I AM 21. Yeyyy. And I have really enjoyed not reading blogs for a while and then reading them all in one go.

Life has been fun but tiring. I had a lovely birthday but work has left me feeling drained.
SO I am very soon going to blog about all the wonderful things I was going to blog about.
But until then, HI HI HI!

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Bastard in a basket.

Monday, 16 August 2010

Just take me there.

DAY OFF AND IT IS SUNNY.

I have been thinking a lot this week. More than usual.
I have decided that you fall out with people for 2 different reasons.
Firstly, because someone did something unforgivable. Something awful happened between you which means that the friendship is ruined and altered beyond repair.
I think this happens occasionally and quite often, after enough time has gone by, you can sit down and talk it out and you can realise things are blown out of proportion.

But the other type occurs more often. The time when you just grow apart.
Maybe something happens which makes it more obvious than it seemed before.
But eventually, you just realise that the friend you loved just isn't that person any more.

And I don't think it's something that can be reconciled. Not really.
Because, as I've touched on before, it's almost impossible, it's almost impossible to see the situation you are in sometimes, because you're in it. You can't objectively look back on yourself and be like "Shit, I've changed and now I'm a twat."

Things just don't work like that. Life would be easier if they did. But I think sometimes it's worth sticking with the slightly more difficult life if it means staying truer to yourself and staying truer to the expectations that you have of the people you surround yourself with.

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Giddy Stratospheres.

Summers are just not what they used to be.

They obviously changed. When we were very young, it was paddling pools and ice creams and bike rides and the beach.
Naughty teenage years, "sit offs" and visiting houses and parks. The independence of a job with the benefits of the night time and Sowie Thursdays. Hangovers and naps and relaxing from the exams and HOLIDAYS. Beautiful beautiful holidays to places where the sun exists and beaches are taken for granted.

Now. Internships, placements, expeditions, full time jobs, standing orders and joint accounts. The independence of a job and a flat with seemingly tiny-in-comparison benefits. Getting excited about more work hours at Cult (where I decided to stay) and a 60p pay rise. Feeling constantly heartbroken about saying "yes" to more hours. Living for September rather than clinging on to every precious day of freedom. Feeling very much like a child pretending to be a grown up.

It's boooooooring.

J or J?

Thursday, 5 August 2010

Chicken Heads?

I have been at Hollyoaks.
I never ever want to be a stupid person.
I like my long skirt and Ms. Dolan.
I feel uneasy and a bit unsatisfied.
Wedding tomorrow. Not mine. Obviously.

Saturday, 31 July 2010

Body don't break.

Getting offered a new job should be very exciting.
It should absolutely not be this confusing.

Old job with random hours but flexibility and more pay
vs.
New job with better and more structured hours and new people and experiences but less flexibility (I want my bank holiday/birthday weekend off) and a little less pay and having to lie for over a month about the fact that I will be rudely deserting them at the end of September.


WELL I JUST DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU?
please....

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Land of Hope and Glory.

Would you just look at us?!
I had a lovely, tiring day.
P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P WORD.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNDD....


Dear Ruth,

We have received and accepted your application. This will now be processed by the university Student Administration department, and a letter will be sent out to you in due course.

Best wishes,

Carmen

Hello MA Philosophy!

Eeeeek! For some reason, it has made me feel a little bit sick.

I hope I have made the right choices for the right reasons.


And until then, I am struggling between job interviews and the fact that a new job just seems pointless when I only have to do it for a month and a half before heading back to Uni.

And filming Hollyoaks with imbeciles. Shudder.


Thursday, 22 July 2010

Inception.


Wow. Well, I loved the film. I loved loved loved it.
It was clever and huge and entertaining.
I could gush about what I loved about it forever.


BUT my favourite bit.... THE MEN.
OH WOW. OH WOW. OH WOW.
Shallow, unadulterated teenage crushes.
What a pointless, un-life changing post.
I implore you to run to Google, run to IMDB, hunt down these men, put their posters on your wall and give them kisses goodnight (Me and Leo have already had this delicate and loving kind of relationship, about 9 years ago...)
JUST SEE THE FILM.

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

Sink.


Today, it rained. It really really rained.
And for a while, I sauntered along, getting lost in the romantic connotations and the pathetic fallacy of the rain and how beautiful it really was, and how it brings everyone together with little glances, smiles and shakes of the head while we all look to the pouring heavens, "Naughty rain!"
And then I saw the queue of people outside the Philharmonic Hall. In wet graduation robes.
And I felt like an idiot. An idiot with very wet shoes.
Please please please please please stop raining before Friday.
Sitting in the library doing more "job" stuff.
The library is just the most wonderful place in the world, when there is no one else in it.

Saturday, 17 July 2010

L-O-V-E

LOOK AT HIM. BIG GOOFY CUTIE.



And would you just look at this group of STUNNERS.

I have attended one and a half graduations this week, two lots of graduation dinner/drinks and generally relished other peoples's excitement and success and joy and pride and happiness and so on.
It has made me VERY excited for my graduation this week. Very excited indeed.


I have randomly been given a weekend off from the job that is giving me the minimum hours physically possible. So while I wait to hear back from the seemingly million billion summer jobs I have applied for, I am going to move into my house properly.
Putting clothes into wardrobes, putting books on shelves, acting like a real life grown up person.... while listening to Disney...

Saturday, 10 July 2010

Brick House.

So, apparently, I have moved in with my boyfriend.

Quite a terrifying way of putting it really.
I can honestly say that I hadn't really thought of it that way until only a day or two ago. We have been alone together in our student house for over a month now with our friends returning to their homeland as and when they finished university.

But the very fact that this place is ours. It is just the two of us. In films, on television, people sit down and talk about it over dinner. They put keys in ring boxes and they get mistaken for engagement rings. They make the conscious decision to invite them into their home, they both collaborate and decide they want to share that space, the food and the bills altogether.
I can't remember us ever doing this.
I can't think about the moment that we decided that this was what we were going to do.

I'm really glad we are here, sitting in our new living room (for those who don't know, we lived with a WEIRDO last year who we gave up our living room for and then he disappeared... POOF... and so the idea of a room in which we can watch television ON REAL LIFE COUCHES is very exciting!) and feeling like we have lived in this little place for much much longer than we have.

And so, I think that the key is not to stress about the label too much. I'm not going to see it as a serious step, a boy and a girl moving into a place together for the first time. It is a mere extension of what we have been doing for the past two years. This time, not including bills.

Thursday, 8 July 2010

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

The Best Of Times.

Wow. What an amazing couple of days.
And hello, welcome to my 100th blog post.

It has been a wonderful time for friends
It has been a wonderful time for finding a new flat
It has been a wonderful time for results
2:1 2:1 2:1 2:1 2:1.

Relief and happiness.

Wednesday, 30 June 2010

There's a ton of the twist but we're fresh out of shout

The end of this poem brings tears to my eyes.

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."

Robert Frost, Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening.

Feeling achy and confused and tired and "discombobulated."


Saturday, 26 June 2010

Scam



Looking for a new flat is ridding me of my sanity.




p.s It won't let me embed this but it made me feel happy.

Friday, 25 June 2010

Please?

I have cravings to be there.

Thursday, 24 June 2010

TKAM.

Today, me and Drea went to FACT to see To Kill A Mockingbird.
When we arrived, we were the only ones there. How mistaken we were to think it would remain that way. Slowly but surely the cinema filled with OAP's, a couple behind us were discussing the fact that the Budget may mean the end of their bus passes.
They promised that they would riot if this was going to be the case...

I studied the book for GCSE and it is one of those firm favourites, like Damien Rice, it feels like comfort. If I am ever in need of a book to read, I fall back on this one, my old old friend.

The film is beautiful. And seeing a film of this age on the big screen was such a different experience. It broke half way through, it jumped and missed lines of speech continuously, it was randomly quiet and loud and a very deep cello sound played sporadically but it just didn't matter. It was excusable because it was such a treat to see the characters you have spent hours getting to know and fall in love with and learn to fear and understand right there in front of you.

It was simple and lovely and innocent.