This is our last dance. This is ourselves.

Saturday, 26 December 2009


is pretty much officially over. phew. crazy random stress creating pressure has gone away...

not to say that i didn't have a lovely day although i made the mistake of getting randomly very drunk on Christmas Eve and crying over absolutely nothing (never ever will i move a place setting ever again!). And then had to deal with constant Christmas day hangover and tiredness while being constantly reminded that "It's Christmas!" and so therefore you have to be at your happiest ever or the whole day has been a complete failure.

however, the food was amazing and it really was nice to spend some quality time with the family and with mathew and his family too. yeah and i LOVE presents, hello to the nicest thing i have ever owned in my entire life!

and so the fun and games continue with there being 12 of us round the table for dinner and then the very best of friends coming round tonight. breaking tradition is something i'm quite excited about.

and then tomorrow, back to work. back to revision. possibly back to my "town house." oh i'm going for some more trifle...

Thursday, 17 December 2009

snow is falling...

ahh the first snow of the year in liverpool. absolutely beautiful. and it really did bring about that first tiny tickle of christmas feeling. it's cold, i have a 10hour shift tomorrow, my house is empty of people and food and i am still feeling exhausted but today reminded me of what its all about. it's about friends coming away from far away places and getting warm together and watching AMAZING hannah montana films at each other's real life houses :)

on a more philosophical note, these little quotes struck me today. maybe if this was something that i could actually accept and acknowledge then certain things would be easier to deal with...

"... what makes us angry are dangerously optimistic notions about what the world and other people are like... we will cease to be so angry when we cease to be so hopeful."

Bah humbug?

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

both sides now.

The Nyaya Hindus argue that there is no such thing as pure happiness. Even if you achieved it, you would always have the continuous fear of losing it and so it could never be achieved.

I actually worry that this is my life.

Monday, 14 December 2009


ah i have most defintely been putting off this blog. post-show blues is making its usual appearence, very rudely and sneakily to be honest.

the show itself, in my eyes, was an absolute success. we pulled it off big style. i was so proud of everyone. we had all put so much time and effort and energy and emotion and other alliterative words in that it was so lovely to hear that people genuinely enjoyed watching us all prance around. i will always be gutted that my body wouldn't let me shed real tears on la stage but i think the boys wept enough for me and them included. i met some of the best people, i have been so lucky, i just hope we keep it all going without the Crucuble cement to keep us all together...

its funny, really emotionally involving scene on stage fails to produce tears but one tiny bit of a film that reminded me of something like 10 years ago can have me filling up in a few cheeky seconds.

and so i have been trying my hardest to stay a busy bee, living in a seemingly permanent state of drunkeness or hangover, awful naughty cycle which randomly becomes very acceptable around this time of year...

such distractions have involved after show party, family meal, work meal but tonight, all planned festivities cancelled. apparently living in a house with people, even after sharing the flat experience a year previous, isn't all fun and games. and when housemates think its fun to bring their friends back at 3 in the morning and continue their night out in the room above you, separated by a floor as thin as paper, things can become slightly tense and you find yourself arguing like children but with the issue of sounding like the elderly, complaining about "disrespect" and "unacceptable behaviour and level of noise"...

i wish i had somewhere gorgeous to go over christmas. somewhere that isn't liverpool and somewhere where christmas represents all the things it used to. and not revision and work.

oh MY, whinge whinge whinge bla bla bla! let me sleeeeeeeeeep for a month or two.

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

First night...


and a man on the street called me fat.


Monday, 7 December 2009


very swiftly onwards. i was very tempted to delete the last post, it's just all a bit gross. my "drama queen" was on a rampage and could not be stopped. ahh ups and downs, ups and downs. i really love him, i absolutely do. i don't think i would get as upset if i didn't love him or care half as much as i do. but maybe this internet medium isn't the right place to be airing ones dirty linen in public and therefore, more caution will be exercised in the future....

and so the last week begins. vom.
we have the potential to do SO well. so so so well. i just hope we don't let ourselves down.
all i want is for my lines to come out of my mouth in the right order. the idea of forgetting them makes me vommy.

i saw this and loved it. a weekly inspiration.

Saturday, 5 December 2009

every time you let me down, i realise that i could do it all without you. i don't want to but every time you fuck up, every time you act like a coward, every time you say you are going to do something and you don't, every time you fail to support me... well, i just know that i am stronger than you think i am, i deserve better than you think i do and i would be able to do it all on my own.
oh look, it's the blog you always ask for. completely focused on you.

ahh but that would be contradicting previously made points of argument.

rehearsals this week have been very much a rollercoaster. some have been just brilliant, one in particular, where everything seemed to click and we were all just so focused. and then, ugh ugh ugh. the not so good ones. we know our lines, they sometimes just get a bit sticky in our heads and refuse to come out. and we are all just SO tired and the focus died.
BUT bad rehearsals can be brilliant for scaring people in to those last minute line learning frenzies. aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh like 4 more days!!!!!!!!!!!

and so i have returned home to the crosby home. my cough has turned into quite a nasty death rattle (pah!) which is apparently only a pathetic untreatable virus so i just get a cough with no decent drugs or anything. BORING.

oh dear, what a load of angry self-pity.

Wednesday, 2 December 2009


ahhh nobody's perfect.

P.S. Just to clarify, this is a picture of Marilyn Monroe. Not myself just documenting my recreational drug habits.... Silly vet. x

Tuesday, 1 December 2009



71 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
the best i have ever done.
and i am not one to blow my own trumpet (pah!) but seriously, i was so nervous about these essays, especially after working my ass off for average results last year.
so i am really happy and a little gloaty.
fingers crossed for the other essay.

tonight i have just been given tickets from NYC's new "indie pop" band "The Pains of Being Pure at Heart." One should never look a gift horse in the mouth and I intend to go and bop along but I'm a little bit fussy and hard to please so we will have to see...

Also, on a slightly more mundane note, my boyfriend quite often buys me a present every time we go to ASDA. It's quite an expensive gesture (we have been going out for over 2 years so that's quite a few trips to ASDA...) but very appreciated. Today I have been presented with a lemon meringue pie (aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!) and I gave him a Star Wars advent calender (carefully chosen from the selection of EMPTY shelves...)
And in the words of a comedian who isn't Peter Kay but whose name I will never remember...
"It's not the trips to Paris, it's the walnut whips on the pillow..."