running up that hill.

god, i am so nervous.

bacon sandwiches.

so yesterday was 7 years since my gramps died.

very weird.

i didn't cry on the day but the day before, oh dear. just thinking about last conversations and feeling that i always should have done more. got the answers to the questions i longed to ask. stayed to listen, been around to help instead of running away.

but i was 13, i was scared and it was at a time when you just accepted what you were told by the people you trust the most, why would you ever want or need to question that?

i wish he knew how much we still all talk about him. and just how amazing nan's life is and how amazing she is. family super glue. and i wish he could have seen william growing up so fast in to such a little man and i wish he could have seen me, me getting my gcse's, my a-levels, him disapproving of my degree choice. i wish he knew mathew. i wish he knew me.

i had a dream about him just the other night. i couldn't hear his voice and i couldn't see his face and i know that it's because that i have forgotten it. my mind just has no real memory of either of those things any more.

but i suppose that is just the price you have to pay to move on and get over stuff and not cry everytime you hear those songs or smell cigar smoke. it's the sacrifices of things like that which you have to make so that it doesn't break you each time.

cumpleanos feliz...

Sitting on the train to London, sharing a carriage with a prime candidtate for the next Jeremy Kyle show...absolutely shocking. Now talking about this girl who owes him something...two words... 'One begins with B,one begins with J'... Oh it might be quite a long journey...

I really love trains. They remind me of the best summer I ever had,travelling around beaaaautiful countries all by train. Nothing in comparison with the train I'm on right now. These trains have air conditioning and soap and toilets where you can't see the track beneath you... But every single place (well,apart from marseilles which was awful) seems infinitely more pretty and beautiful than where I am heading now.
London is London. I like it,I enjoy visiting it but in my head,it's dirty and grey and full of noise and stress. I can't say I'm eXcited about visiting the city itself.
I think when you've seen one big city,you've seen them all. And to be honest, I've seen better.


I didn't get upset at Lime St. Must have got over that little hiccup.

Happy Birthday to my boyf. He is amazing. I hate him, I love him and upsettingly I couldn't live without him. But I think I am ok sacrificing that kind of complete and utter independence if it means spending my time with my very best friend,the one who knows me compltely.


Well hasn't this been a nice revision break...

always attract.

in one week's time, this will be the view out of the bedroom window.

HELLO EXCITED!

it will also have been my lovely boyfriend's 22nd birthday and we are heading down to London on Saturday to see our very favourite band in the world, Brand New. They might be attractive to horrible emo children but they are the band we fell in love to.

So there.

Annnddd... we are staying in a hotel. For the first time. Very exciting.

I must not forget, no no no, that I still have an exam to do. The day after we come back from London. Brillliiiaaaant timing, well done ruthy.

And today. Oh today. I am going to an all you can eat, food from around the world buffet with Mathew, Garbhan and Drea.

It's just a wonderful life of excitement.... or a lunch time of distraction before the revision re-starts....

SugarRush.

My Life In Pictures.

By Ruth Dalton.

This is not a very exciting life. In fact, it is a mind numbingly boring and stressful one.

I am going to have to be physically restrained from getting so unbelievably drunk tomorrow.

Meh meh meh,

ifallbehind...

time time time.

at the moment it seems to be literally all i can think about.

sometimes i have this momentary calm, i have a week until my first exam, lots of notes made, plenty of time.

and then "the fear" arrives. that moment of fuuucccccckkkkkkk but i have made enough notes or done any actual reading, never mind secondary literature and i know nothing and THERE IS NO TIME AT ALL.

i suppose it's all just a matter of finding that delicate balance between the two.

i let myself look at round the world plane tickets yesterday. and i absolutely cannot wait until the very first day that travelling begins. and so in that aspect, i am very much wishing time to move on forwards, skip the exams, skip the soul-destroying full time job i am going to have to find in order to fund such travels and get me away as soon as possible.

however, i am increasingly aware, on a very day to day basis, that my university life is rather quickly drawing to an end. how i wish i had known i would feel like this. how i wish i had gone back a year and done all 3 years at Liverpool and not sneakily transferred. i always feel like a year was stolen away. i wasn't ready to go to uni but now i am certainly not ready to leave. clinging like a bitch.

friends are now slowly moving back off to their respective universities. this christmas, for me, has been lovely. i love having everyone so close.

but time seems to have changed things this holiday, they have been different, different friendships, relationships, it's just all been a bit different.

i have been writing and re-writing that last paragraph for about 10 minutes, which is a pathetic amount of time to be wasting writing nothing at all, in the end.

"Time changes everything except something within us which is always surprised by change."

Thomas Hardy.

parmesan.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbMeAOTPJzM

this lady is helping me through revision. I first heard this song while watching Juno and today, I have been a little obsessed.

it's a bit of a weird time at the moment.

as is my friend Robert who made us an amazing pancetta and pea risotto after a brave day in liverpool, finding trainers for the boys and just trying to cling on to lamp posts for dear life.

the beautiful white snow has now turned the pavements a shiny grey, a shiny grey which means a complete lack of stability and the inability to feel one's toes after a few minutes.

i do hope it all goes away very soon.

longislandicedtea...

a big mistake in a glass....

oh bring on friday. sweet sweet friday.

i think my driving test will be cancelled and whereas before we would have been drinking in celebration/self drowning pity, now we can just drink to the wonders of snow snow snow!

i LOVE looking at the snow. and where i live is just so beautiful. gah, i could write a poem.

oh...

do me a favour.

hellogoodbye.

www.textsfromlastnight.com

always good for a read. and a life comparison. all the people who have texts on here seem to have very exciting and rebellious lives... i feel like i very much lived that out during high school/sixth form and uni in comparison has indeed been rather tame... one semester left though, who knows....

so happy new year to one and all. my new years resolutions will be written very very soon. so far i have done little to no revision, spent time with family and friends in various different locations, drank enough wine for me to turn in to some kind of wine bag and left my job until the end of this academic year.... very new times ahead.

but this is the year of work. this is the year of philosophy. this is the year of the graduation. i hope i am strong enough for it. at times, i know i am. i know what i am capable of. and at times, it all just seems so much. so much work and so much pressure.

and it all starts tomorrow.... eek.